Living With a Spouse With a Gambling Addiction

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Q: My husband and I have always shared the same financial goals, whether it involved lifestyle choices or retirement planning. However, about a year ago, I discovered money missing from our accounts. When I confronted him, he admitted to online gambling and needing the funds to pay off his debts. Recently, he approached me to sign documents for a home equity line of credit (HELOC) to cover new debts. I refused because he had promised to stop gambling a year ago. Now, I am unsure of what other financial secrets he might be hiding. Given that he’s always been the better saver between us, this addiction came as a complete shock. It has left me feeling like I’m walking on eggshells, uncertain of how to protect myself, our seven-year-old daughter, and our family’s financial future. He can’t continue to spend our savings faster than I can accumulate it. My sister is telling me to file for divorce, but I want to explore other options first. Is there any way I can protect myself financially from his gambling? ~Tara 

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A: Discovering that a spouse has a gambling addiction can be a deeply distressing and an incredibly overwhelming experience, particularly when it jeopardizes the financial stability of your family. Navigating this challenging situation requires addressing both the immediate financial concerns and the underlying addiction, including how it affects you and your child. It is crucial to take proactive steps to protect your family’s financial future while also offering support to your spouse, should they choose to pursue recovery.

Understanding the nature of gambling addiction is key to implementing effective financial safeguards. This involves recognizing the signs, acknowledging the impact on your finances, and setting boundaries to prevent further financial harm. By taking proactive measures and seeking the right support, such as psychological counselling and financial and legal advice, you can work toward restoring trust and rebuilding the financial security of your family. Here are some practical tips to help you get started.

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Seek resources to help with the addiction

Start by having a candid conversation with your husband to determine if he is willing to seek help. Compulsive gamblers often struggle to stop and gain control over their addiction, and they may have difficulty being honest about their desire to quit. The urge to gamble can be so overwhelming that they resort to deception and secrecy to fulfil their needs, typically without considering the impact on their family, relationships, professional life, or even themselves.

If he is ready to stop gambling, counselling from a gambling addiction specialist could be immensely beneficial for him. Encourage him to reach out for help, either through provincial problem gambling resources, his family doctor, or any employment benefits he may have access to. Additionally, seeking out your own therapist can provide you with the support you need to understand his addiction and cope with the situation, especially if your husband is not ready to quit or seek help. Having someone to talk to during difficult times, such as when he relapses, can help you maintain stability for yourself and your daughter. It’s crucial to have resources to support yourself emotionally and financially, whether you choose to live with an addict or decide that the strain is too much to bear.

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Set financial boundaries

It’s essential to seek legal advice to clarify your rights and obligations and understand your options for protecting yourself. Family law varies across provinces, but generally, assets and liabilities acquired during a marriage are considered joint property. This means you could be responsible for a portion of your husband’s gambling debts, and he could have a claim to any savings you’ve accumulated. However, there are exceptions, and a family law lawyer can explain the specifics that apply to your situation. If you haven’t already sought legal advice, I strongly encourage you to do so as soon as possible.

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Once you have a clear understanding of your legal standing regarding your finances, it’s important to take stock of your family’s assets and liabilities. Begin by requesting free copies of your credit reports and ask your husband to do the same. This will help you see what is owed, identify if he has obtained credit in your name without your knowledge, and based on the list of inquiries on his credit report, determine if he is still applying for credit or opening bank accounts without informing you.

Next, take steps to separate your bank accounts. Open a chequing account solely in your name and redirect your income to that account. If your husband agrees, transfer any joint savings into an account that only you control, allowing you to manage the household finances. If your husband’s income is deposited electronically, restrict his access to the joint account and, with his consent, transfer the funds to the chequing account you control. Provide him with a limited amount of spending money, based on a household budget, that he can use at his discretion.

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If you have any joint credit cards or debt accounts, either put them on hold so they can’t be used while you find a way to manage the debt, or pay them off and close them. Open a new credit card in your name only and add a consumer statement to each of your credit files. This statement serves as an additional layer of security, helping to prevent unauthorized credit applications.

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Additionally, review the beneficiaries you have designated on all your financial products, insurance policies, and work-related benefits. Ensuring that these beneficiaries are up to date is crucial. In the event that something happens to you while you are trying to sort things out, you want to ensure that any funds intended to support your child are not misused to feed a gambling addiction. Taking these steps can help you protect your financial future and the well-being of your family.

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Debt and access to payment methods

Many credit card agreements classify gambling charges as cash-like transactions, meaning they have no interest-free grace period and are treated similarly to cash advances. This results in interest accruing at a higher rate from the day the transaction occurs, causing gambling-related credit card debt to accumulate interest and fees more quickly than regular retail purchases.

If your husband still has access to his credit cards and can use them, there is little you can do to prevent him from doing so if the cards are solely in his name. As a legally competent adult, he can also apply for additional credit unless his credit rating deteriorates to the point where lenders are unwilling to extend credit. However, it is crucial to ensure that his minimum payments are made to protect any joint assets.

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For accounts solely in your name, take measures to secure them from unauthorized access. Protect your smartphone, tablet, laptop, and any smart home devices with strong passwords. Avoid writing down your banking and financial passwords, use unique usernames, and enable two-factor authentication to enhance security.

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Making tough choices

Depending on how long your spouse’s gambling has been ongoing, there may come a point when you feel overwhelmed and exhausted from the constant efforts to monitor and address the situation to keep everyone safe from his destructive behaviours. When this happens, it’s crucial to consider whether your time and energy would be better spent taking care of yourself and your daughter to ensure a stable future.

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If you are staying with your spouse for the sake of the marriage or your child, it is important to discuss this decision with your therapist or trusted loved one. Children are perceptive and can sense when things are not right. Moreover, living in a home where addiction is prevalent is unhealthy for everyone involved. By seeking professional guidance, you can make informed decisions that prioritize the well-being of you and your child.

The bottom line on living with a spouse with a gambling addiction

Confronting a spouse’s gambling addiction can be an incredibly daunting and emotionally exhausting journey. If your spouse is unwilling to seek help or take steps to allow you to safeguard your family’s remaining assets and financial stability, it may be necessary to consider a temporary separation to work toward long-term stability. A lawyer can provide valuable advice on the legal steps required to protect your finances and assets. By understanding your legal rights, safeguarding your financial assets, seeking professional support, and prioritizing the well-being of your child, you can navigate these challenging times with a sense of empowerment and resilience.

Related reading:

How to Tell When Gaming Turns to Problem Gambling

Steps to Escape a Payday Loan Nightmare

What Happens If You Stop Paying Your Credit Cards?

Peta Wales is President and CEO of the Credit Counselling Society, a non-profit organization. For more information about managing your money or debt, contact Peta by email, check nomoredebts.org or call 1-888-527-8999.  

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